Ideals vs Reality

If you've had any length of conversation with me in the past few years, you've probably picked up on my “issue”. Here it is.....it may not be a shocker......I don't like working full-time outside the home and raising kids at the same time. Yes, I know, it's no big surprise to my friends, especially because I tend to vent now and then with big sighs, hints of exasperation, and comments like “I should just be grateful”. I try to maintain an outside calm of having the working-mother thing all under control, but on the inside I'm sometimes pouting and stomping my feet because I just can't master it all.

Now, part of my problem is that I'm an idealist. I want to be a combination of Martha Stewart, Mother Theresa and Carol Brady. A domestic diva, a world changer, and a Proverbs 31 woman....maybe I've aimed too high? A wise counsellor once told me if you lower your expectations, you're less likely to be disappointed. I'm convinced he was right.

Another wise working-mother once told me you just can't have it all....something has to give. Are the kids really going to remember or care when they grow up how clean your floors were? Will it really matter if you don't include all the recommended food groups in their lunch bags? They're more likely to remember the special talks and prayers you shared with them at bed time, the times you laughed or cried together, or seeing you in the bleachers cheering them on at their sporting events. Thinking this way has freed me up somewhat. I only clean the floors every other week now.

I've convinced myself over and over that I should just be content and thankful. After all, what do I have to complain about really? Honestly, I tell myself, get some perspective! Royalty send their children away to boarding school. Celebrity children are raised by nannies. Martha Stewart's daughter didn't exactly turn out to be a role model. Carol Brady is fictional, and she had a live-in maid! As middle class Canadians, we are incredibly blessed..... I know, I know....but that pouting, foot-stomping little girl on the inside still likes to wish for more time at home with the kids.

So, asking God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, here is where I stand in the process of overcoming my “issue”. I don't want to pout and whine, I really don't. Not only do I want to be pleasing to my Heavenly Father, I want to be a good example to my children and a helpful support to my husband. So.....I'm adopting the attitude that I “get” to do both, work full time and raise a family. It's a privilege to be a housewife and mother, and it's also a privilege to learn and use my talents and brain in the work force. I “get” to do both! OK, maybe it's a weak argument to some, but it's helping me to overcome and make the most out of my reality.

Because I “get” to work full-time we can afford certain luxuries and conveniences that make our lives easier. I “get” to raise Elijah and Natalie, two of God's precious children entrusted to us. I “get” to support my husband in meeting the needs of our family and preparing for our future. Actually, the more I dwell on this, the luckier I feel. I really need to see this glass half full!

The other day I said to Elijah, “What would you think if Mommy worked as a day care provider in our home, so that I could be there more for you and Natalie?”. He said, “No, I think you should stay at the bank..... not that you wouldn't be good at caring for kids, but I just think you'd be happier at the bank”. Hmmm....out of the mouths of babes. For him, a working mom is his normal, and although my kids aren't perfect, they definitely know they're loved and their needs are met. If they're not worried about it, maybe I shouldn't be either.

Carpe Diem - Sieze the Day

As Sept. 11 rolls around each year most of us are reminded of the tragic events of 9/11, especially this year as it marks the 10th anniversary of that unforgettable day.   For our family we are reminded each year at this time of the loss of our son Michael who died so unexpectedly on Sept. 10, 2002.  I reminisce.....

We had spent the weekend prior to his death at a family reunion up at Chesley Lake.  We were excited to take our first trip in our new Ford Windstar with its multimedia setup where the kids could watch videos and even play their Playstation. We had a great weekend visiting with relatives, canoeing, golfing and just being together. I remember playing a Playstation game on the way home in the van with Michael.  I've never had any talent or interest in video games but I played along anyway.  Michael was too nice of a guy to tell me how horrible I was. 

We arrived home late Sunday night and received a call that my Aunt Jean who had been at the reunion that weekend had suffered a heart attack just prior to leaving the camp, and was rushed to a nearby hospital where she passed away.  What a shock for everyone!  It was so sad.

The following day we received some more bad news.  Maurice's Uncle Sagar had passed away.  Two deaths in two days!  It was just plain sobering.  I began thinking how short life is and how we must value each day that we have.  I scrawled on a piece of paper "Carpe Diem - Sieze the Day. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow" and stuck it on the fridge.   I just wanted it to be a reminder of what's important in life and to live without regrets.

As it turned out, that evening was the last time we would all see Michael.   I remember him sitting at the computer doing homework or something, then he decided to cut his hair.  I was sitting at the kitchen table a bit later when he came along and popped the back of his head in my face.  "Did I miss any spots?", he asked.  He had trimmed his hair short but couldn't see the back too well.  Now, for the average mother a moment like that would just be par for the course, but as a fairly new step-mom still finding my way, I felt very honored in that moment that he wanted my opinion.  Those were my last words with Michael.   He was up and gone to college early the next morning before any of us had a chance to see him, and he died that day at school.

I've often thought how strange it was that I put the note on the fridge that day.   Was it prophetic, or just coincidental?  All I know is that it still holds true.  We need to live each day as if it was our last.  Each day is a gift.   Honestly, I don't think I do that so well most of the time, but it's a perspective that I desire to have.  Elijah & Natalie love singing along to a Christian song that says "I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind.  Still You hear me when I'm calling, You catch me when I'm falling and You've told me who I am - I am Yours".  How true.

Funerals can be so difficult and emotional, but they never cease to leave us with a fresh perspective on the sanctity and fragility of life. For that reason I don't despise funerals. Tomorrow I'll be attending a memorial service for my Aunt Grace who recently passed away.  She wasn't a famous or wealthy woman, but she was a woman who loved very well.  She loved without judging and took time to make each person feel important.  What a legacy to leave.  Tomorrow we'll celebrate the wonderful gift that she was, and reflect on how we are living our own lives, how we can live and love better. 

So, seize the day - stop and smell the roses, make a difference in someone's life, don't sweat the small stuff, do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.  

Someone Always Has It Worse

At one of the darkest times in my life I ran across a picture in a newspaper very similar to this one. Moved by what it spoke to me, I cut it out and hung it on the bulletin board in my kitchen where I would see it every day.  It gave me the perspective I needed at that time in my life. 

You see, my life hadn't turned out the way I expected, and I was tempted to wallow in self pity, dwelling on what had gone wrong in my life, rather than what was still going right.  I realized soon enough that self pity is a lonely walk down a dead end street.  It gets you nowhere. 

The woman in this picture probably had to collect sticks for firewood to heat her humble home, and to prepare hot meals for her family.  It looks like back-breaking work.  All I had to do for heat was flip a switch on the thermostat or the stove, and show up to work every day in my clean, air-conditioned office to keep that privilege.

Like many women in impoverished countries, she may have lost her husband in a civil war, or her children from lack of proper medical care.  She carries this burden of survival alone.  As for me, I still had friends and family that loved me, prayed for me and were willing to share my burdens.   I realized how much I was blessed with and then chose to dwell on those things.

Now, dwelling on the good is not to deny the bad exists.  Some people are annoyed or even hurt by phrases like "Oh well, look on the bright side", and that's because there is an appropriate time for saying things like that.  If someone is still pulling the dagger out of their heart and bleeding all over the place, they just need some comfort and a listening ear.   Mourn with those who mourn.    There's a proverb that says something like "singing songs to a heavy heart is like pouring vinegar on a wound".    But when the time is right, a wise friend will help you count your blessings and find your flip-side.

Can Anything Good Come Out Of This?

A story simply heard can easily be forgotten, but when a story touches our emotions we do not soon forget it's affect on us.  That's how it was for me when I first read "The Hiding Place", the true life story of Corrie ten Boom. Corrie and her family hid Jewish people in their home in Holland during World War II so they would not be found by Hitler's regime.  Corrie and her family were arrested for doing so and taken to concentration camps where they experienced the unimaginable, a living hell on earth.  Her loss and her pain was so great, but in the midst of that torturous place she found courage, strength and even joy that could only come from God.  Her story is so gripping as she tells of the miracles she experienced in that place, how she forgave her enemies, and found light in her darkest hours.

One of my favourite illustrations that Corrie uses is when she relates our life to a needlepoint picture.  On the underside of the needlepoint there are messy strands of yarn tied in knots and criss-crossing all over the place.  It's quite messy and difficult to perceive any sense of order or purpose.   That's how your life may look to you.  Maybe you can't understand how anything good could come out of the mess you're in. Nothing seems to make sense.  Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt!

But there's a flip side...the top side of the needlepoint picture reveals a beautiful colourful picture that has been created.  The colours work together in harmony, the dark hues enhancing the light ones.  That's how God sees our life, from a different perspective.  Those same messy yarns have been used to create a design of beauty.  By faith we can believe that our momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that will surpass them all.    We usually can't see the purpose in our trials at the time, but just knowing there's a flip-side can give us hope enough to carry on.  It has for me many times.

My life is but a weaving between my God and me,

I do not choose the colors, He works so steadily.

Oft'times He weaves in sorrow, and I in foolish pride,

Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.

Not til the loom is silent, and the shuttles cease to fly

Will God unroll the canvas, and explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hand,

as the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

                                           Corrie ten Boom